The "No Soliciting" Sign

August 25th, 2011


Why have just a “No Soliciting” sign by your front door?

Like the majority of people I know, I do not appreciate solicitors knocking on my door. There are, of course, many reasons for this, which include the fact that I have a hard time saying no to anyone because I feel bad for them, slaving away in the hundred degree weather attempting to earn their living in such a crappy way, and likely having many doors slammed in their faces. I mean, there are starving children in Africa, and supporting the fireman’s gala can’t be a bad thing, right? And, am I really opposed to helping protect the environment or supporting the Girl Scouts of America? Plus, maybe it’s just me, but doesn’t seem like solicitors always come when you’re trying to get dinner prepared? That is so aggravating! And then, of course, there is the basic truth that if I need something, I generally go out and purchase it myself, without someone coming to my door trying to sell me that item. Duh!

Just the other day, a lady stopped by and knocked on my door. I know it's naive, but, initially at least, I always try to think the best of others, that most people are decent human beings who will honor the request on our posted “No Soliciting” sign located just to the left of our front door at eye level and in plain sight. Time and again, however, I learn that I am setting myself up for disappointment in humanity. And yet it never ceases to amaze me when people so blatantly disregard my wishes. As I was saying, just the other day, a lady stopped by and knocked. I answered the door, and this time I was greeted with one of my all-time favorite lines: “Hi, my name is Andrea. I see (she was pointing to my sign) that you have a “No Soliciting” sign, but I was wondering if I could just have a few seconds of your time.”

At this point, my eyebrows rose up and my eyes bulged. Are you kidding me? Really? You actually read the sign and you are still going to ignore it and attempt to sell me something me anyways? Really, really?

Andrea then began saying something about pest control services, and I’m sure my eyes visibly glazed over. I wished right then that I was the type of person who could be outwardly rude to people who were outwardly rude to me. Sometimes, it really sticks in my craw that I get these frequent reminders (in the shape of thoughts in my head) that every single person is a child of God and should be treated accordingly.

Well, this particular daughter of God started asking me questions about my current pest control services, and I hastily informed her of the fact that I have had a “bug guy” (as we call him in my family) for years, and have no desire to stop using his services. I mean, Domingo talks a lot (I mean a lot, and he doesn't require many responses), but he does a fine job keeping the little pests at bay. Then I thanked Andrea for her offer to make my world significantly better via her life-changing pest services, but told her that I needed to go finish working on dinner now. As a last ditch effort, she asked me what chemicals were currently being used by my bug guy. I guess you’ve gotta give her props for her persistence. As I slowly closed the door in her face, I said to her that I had no idea, and nor do I care, and please be sure to have a lovely evening.

I have decided that I need to replace my current “No Soliciting” with a new one, which reads:

“STOP RIGHT THERE!! Don’t you even think about knocking on that door or ringing the door-bell, unless you have already received a personal invitation from someone living within this dwelling. If you are selling anything, which may include, but is not limited to, cookies, paintings, pest control services, coupon books, life insurance, investment banking services, wrapping paper, candy, athletic club memberships, etc.; or if you are trying to raise awareness and funding for any type of organization or in need of political support for a cause you feel deeply about; or if you are feeling compelled to save me from damnation; or if you want to get more signatures for your petition to correct something terribly wrong in the world, then these words are for you. I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! I don’t want to stop what I’m doing right now and become enlightened by your vast knowledge on some subject I am obviously uninformed about. I don’t need your goods or services; if I did, I would have already taken care of it myself. I don’t care enough about all the causes in the world to want to help you out. I am okay with my cold heart. I am also perfectly happy with my religious denomination; in fact, I’ve got a Book of Mormon right here, if you’d like to accept it. (And, yes, I am aware of the irony in the last sentence. :)) I already donate a large portion of my income to help others, and I know that money really is going to relieve pain and suffering in the world, and not making anybody rich. I respect and honor your work ethic and efforts to do something productive in life. Now, please kindly remove yourself from my front porch.

“Have a lovely day!”